and so I’ve met my match-
Realization number one: You have to want somebody, not need them. Nobody likes a needy person because what good does that do the other person, how does that help THEM grow at all? How does it help the relationship? Example: Dustin, needed someone to be there when his parents got divorced and when he was about to drop out of school. Furthermore, it didn’t work out because as I was growing and developing who I was, I was trying to meet HIS standards because, I, in turn, felt like I needed him to validate myself. (WRONG)
Realization number two: I have realized that my being stubborn and firm in my (fantasy) beliefs, though foggy, has finally met its match. He does not take any bullshit and, contrary to what I’ve always believed, yes, it’s tough not being the only one with a side, (as it was with all of my past relationships), this one actually cares, and its as real as real can get. Though I may sometimes worry (which I really shouldn’t) that this one might slip away, I am learning more and more everyday, about life, about myself, about being an adult and standing up for what’s right. But I do not want to fall into that hole that I have with all of my other relationships, I don’t want to be the needy one. I want to continue being the friend like I feel like when I have late night converations with him. He is not only my boyfriend, and shame on me for ever thinking that I could not put my trust in another person again, but he IS my best friend. He is my everything. And suppose it is wrong of me to say that because if he is indeed my everything, then without him I have nothing, right? WRONG, because at the end of the day I have myself, Melody Rene Fucking Morrison.
Realization number three: We’ve gone over time and time again that real life is not at all what I expected it to be. In my fantasy I’d be married with two kids working at a college as a music professor, directing choirs, leading the band, a non-smoking, working, middle-class but does well for herself, wife. Real life: I am a single (which is not entirely bad), high school graduate with a hourly management position, living in a two bedroom apartment with two roomates, my boyfriend, and a baby. Temporary, I think so. Fantasies are simply that. Fairy tales do not always come true and even so, if you can’t be happy with what you’ve got (including youself) then what are you living for anyways?
Realization number four: I am an embarrassment when I am upset. There are always going to be things that come up, and a confrontation is bound to happen, but preventing the little things that have to do with me, inside of me, how I feel, is entirely up to me if I’m going to let it bother me. I don’t need anyone else’s approval before I speak. Before I lay my foot down I just have to stop and think, and not SAY anything to ANYONE but to the person that I am having the problem with (possibly myself). I don’t need the comfort, though it is nice, I’m not fucking two anymore where when I cry I don’t need someone to hold me.
Realization number five: Speak up. If something is not happening the first time, then say it again. If it doesn’t happen a second. Take action. Friends are not beyond the system. True friends will understand. And though I may have a problem CREATING true friends, its truly a trust issue. Stop worrying that you are going to be stabbed in the back. There are some pretty genuine people out there!
And finally, what I KNOW is. I love myself, my position, my life. I wouldn’t trade anything in the world for things not to be just as they are. I know its going to take some time, and I needn’t not think of this as a setback because truly it is a step towards the future. Its hard to spend time alone and think but regardless before anyone else gets my time, I need my ME time. Its the only way to keep what I have going for me strong. Above all, I don’t NEED what I have. I most definitely want it because, hell, when it comes down to it I have to say I have probably one of the most healthiest friendship, relationship, whatever you want to label it, out there. Sexually, mentally, physically. But truthfully, there is some soul searching to be done, and I know its way past due, but better late than never.
So, I’m signing off, here’s to an interesting, wonderful, but horrible day.
Goodnight.
