Love Truly Forever

its 326 in the morning

Fri, 19 Apr 2013 03:26:34 -0400

I should be in bed right now but instead I’m reading through old messages an old blogs realizing life lessons that I should have realized years ago its called never compromising your standards and when you do that you totally lose yourself. I thought that I found the one but apparently I was wrong. in any relationship I have ever had I’ve always considered my significant other to be my best friend. I’m not realizing that only one person can fill that void and take that spot. with everything that’s going on with my divorce it’s really hard to see the road ahead. I don’t know how much I really believe in love anymore. but there’s always wishful thinking there’s always hoping. and above all I’ve always known that I love my best friend. it’s hard to forget about the past in the past is what makes you. but living in the moment and planning for the future is what develops you into the person that you are and who you will be. I don’t know how I’m going to get there but I do know where I’m going and I definitely want somebody who’s always been there in my past to be there with me. I know I can do it alone but I’d rather not. I’ve always been a rather dependent person. I need comfort and attention and somebody who listens. even if they don’t talk back I just need somebody to be that shoulder to cry on or that ear to talk off. I feel like this the Six Million time I said this but I’m ready I’m ready to move on with my life. I’m ready to have a better future and to have a love that last forever. my heart is aching for some one is going to be there through thick and thin somebody who is not going to hurt me, but rather protect me and take care of me. I’m tired of being the bad guy in the relationship because It wasn’t right to begin with. if I could have one wish it would be to be able to end my quest for love with you. I’m tired of chasing love around when it’s right there in my face. my only fear is of love going sour. I tend to blame myself a lot for the things that happen in my life because nobody can change your destiny but you. life is full of lessons you have to live and learn, I’m just tired of taking wrong turns. one step forward always seems to be two steps back and I’m tired of moving backwards. I want to move forward and I know I can do that with you. but everyday is a constant struggle with my own demons in my own fears. I don’t ever wanna lose you I never have and I hope I never will. everyday reassurance is sometimes not even enough. I’m just a little broken and it pains me because we cannot be a whole until I’m a whole myself. sorry to keep love waiting. hopefully it will only be a little longer. I want to believe I can just jump in now and will be all fine. but the truth of the matter is I’m still not ready. I want to be your so badly but I just can’t. I cannot put the blame on others on you and I want to be sure that I am completely and utterly over my past if not we’re bound for disaster. I love you completely entirely and I always have. still I’m scared. maybe it’s just one of those nights but I’m relapsing a little. I have to own up to my responsibilities, you’re too much of a distraction sometimes. I can’t let it get buried in longer so I will write. and when its all out and it’s all said and done I’ll be ready. ready for a lifetime with you

Don't Fuck with me!!!!!

Fri, 15 Mar 2013 18:00:25 -0400

the title says it all I am so f****** pissed right now I could go crazy!!!!

Phenomenal day!

Sun, 10 Mar 2013 01:36:55 -0500

I cannot wait until we are an option. I love you! I crave your presence, you take my breath away, you make life interesting. You make me laugh, smile, and feel bliss effortlessly. Never let that go! I cannot imagine my life without you in it and everyday i fall deeper and deeper. You encourage me, lift my spirits and soothe my soul. You’re my best friend! Thank you for this day, it was truly magical. After all a dream is a wish your heart makes and if you wish hard enough it will come true. After eight years we are making this dream a reality. We belong together, i believe this with every fiber of my being!! I LOVE YOU ADAM with all of my heart. Good night

life as I know it

Mon, 04 Mar 2013 02:46:20 -0500

it’s been awhile since I’ve written anything but life has been good to me so far. Though it’s been tough with coming to terms with my own emotions, and faced with old people problems such as this divorce and the stress that it brings my days are smooth and blissful. I feel free, relaxed, myself, not worried about anyone else. I cannot hurt him anymore and better yet he cannot hurt me. We brought out the worst in eachother and even though I’ve known all along, i can finally say i have clarity. I am totally in love with my best friend and the timing is not right currently but i still hold on to the promise we made as teenagers.and the most recent promise that no matter what, whether we end up as one or not, i will never let go. So many years of wishing, wanting, wondering, things i have only dreamed and imagined, fate is unfolding in front of my very eyes. I have no doubt in my mind that once the time is right, destiny will take flight and this dream will be our reality. For now it’s day by day, hour by hour and minute by minute and there is not a single second that i am free mentally that i do not think about you. I hold your medallion close to my heart and in my hand and it gives me strength, hope, and Serenity. I want to be near you because i can feel your protection, guarding my heart, body and soul. I love you truly, forever and always.goodnight my darling

あなたファック: adecentfellow: An entire 1% of the USA’s adult population is in jail....

Mon, 04 Feb 2013 12:24:45 -0500

あなたファック: adecentfellow: An entire 1% of the USA’s adult population is in jail....:

adecentfellow:

An entire 1% of the USA’s adult population is in jail.

That’s between 2.5-3 million people.

Proportionally, America imprisons more than twice as many of its citizens as South Africa, more than 3 times as many as Iran, and more than 6 times as many as China.

No society in…

Photo

Thu, 31 Jan 2013 13:42:50 -0500

"Did you know, you can quit your job, you can leave university? You aren’t legally required to have a..."

Tue, 29 Jan 2013 11:52:54 -0500

“Did you know, you can quit your job, you can leave university? You aren’t legally required to have a degree, it’s a social pressure and expectation, not the law, and no one is holding a gun to your head. You can sell your house, you can give up your apartment, you can even sell your vehicle, and your things that are mostly unnecessary. You can see the world on a minimum wage salary, despite the persisting myth, you do not need a high paying job. You can leave your friends (if they’re true friends they’ll forgive you, and you’ll still be friends) and make new ones on the road. You can leave your family. You can depart from your hometown, your country, your culture, and everything you know. You can sacrifice. You can give up your $5.00 a cup morning coffee, you can give up air conditioning, frequent consumption of new products. You can give up eating out at restaurants and prepare affordable meals at home, and eat the leftovers too, instead of throwing them away. You can give up cable TV, Internet even. This list is endless. You can sacrifice climbing up in the hierarchy of careers. You can buck tradition and others’ expectations of you. You can triumph over your fears, by conquering your mind. You can take risks. And most of all, you can travel. You just don’t want it enough. You want a degree or a well-paying job or to stay in your comfort zone more. This is fine, if it’s what your heart desires most, but please don’t envy me and tell me you can’t travel. You’re not in a famine, in a desert, in a third world country, with five malnourished children to feed. You probably live in a first world country. You have a roof over your head, and food on your plate. You probably own luxuries like a cellphone and a computer. You can afford the $3.00 a night guest houses of India, the $0.10 fresh baked breakfasts of Morocco, because if you can afford to live in a first world country, you can certainly afford to travel in third world countries, you can probably even afford to travel in a first world country. So please say to me, “I want to travel, but other things are more important to me and I’m putting them first”, not, “I’m dying to travel, but I can’t”, because I have yet to have someone say they can’t, who truly can’t. You can, however, only live once, and for me, the enrichment of the soul that comes from seeing the world is worth more than a degree that could bring me in a bigger paycheck, or material wealth, or pleasing society. Of course, you must choose for yourself, follow your heart’s truest desires, but know that you can travel, you’re only making excuses for why you can’t. And if it makes any difference, I have never met anyone who has quit their job, left school, given up their life at home, to see the world, and regretted it. None. Only people who have grown old and regretted never traveling, who have regretted focusing too much on money and superficial success, who have realized too late that there is so much more to living than this.”

- Wunderkammer: Did You Know (via thelyricaldiaries)

Photo

Tue, 29 Jan 2013 11:49:46 -0500

Another one of those mindless surveys that I answer, cause what's the point of a blank survey?

Tue, 29 Jan 2013 11:45:27 -0500

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged? That would be my husband
2. You talked to an ex today, correct? negative
3. Have you taken someones virginity? yeah a few sadly
4. Is trust a big issue for you? not really
5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently? yeah
6. What are you excited for? currently, nothing in particular. my day off on thurs.
7. What happened tonight? nothing the day is just getting started
8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted? absolutely
9. Is confidence cute? its beautiful
10. What is the last beverage you had? apple juice
11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? three.
12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? yes
13. What are you gonna do Saturday night? havent really thought that far ahead. I work
14. What are you going to spend money on next? gas probably
15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed? yeahhh... were kinda married =]
16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months? absolutely
17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? AJF
18. The last time you felt broken? pretty darn recently
19. Have you had sex today? no
20. Are you starting to realize anything? things will get better. Just have to put your best foot forward.
21. Are you in a good mood? decent
22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks? never
23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s? no, actually his are blue
24. What do you want right this second? to talk to my bestie
25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy? If he kissed another boy, we'd have bigger issues lol. another girl, i would probably be hurt but it all depends on the circumstances
26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color? yes
27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? not at all.
28. What was the last thing that made you laugh? comedy night at fridays last night
29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now? yes
30. Does everyone deserve a second chance? yes
31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy/girl you were talking to? no
32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do? yes
33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda? no, but i try to stay away as much as i can.... hard when u work in a restaurant
34. Listening to? true believers- darius rucker
35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore? everyday
36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is? riding to work, or sitting in the parking lot already
37. Do you believe in love at first sight? yes and no
38. Who did you last call? Jovi
39. Who was the last person you danced with? Jovi
40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed? He was leaving to work
41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake? uuuuuuuhhhhh Cant remember off the top of my head.
42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today? No
43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush? yeah always
44. Do you tan in the nude? used to when i had a privacy fence... now i just dont tan
45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss? no
46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? i guess, he was next to me
47. Who was the last person to call you? jovi
48. Do you sing in the shower? rarely
49. Do you dance in the car? always =]
50. Ever used a bow and arrow? no
51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? high school?
52. Do you think musicals are cheesy? never!
53. Is Christmas stressful? not really. only if you make it
54. Ever eat a pierogi? yes
55. Favorite type of fruit pie? banana cream!! or apple.
56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? oceanographer.
57. Do you believe in ghosts? kind of yeah
58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? sometimes
59. Take a vitamin daily? no
60. Wear slippers? sometimes
61. Wear a bath robe? sometimes
62. What do you wear to bed? usually tshirt and underwear.
63. First concert? staind
64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? target
65. Nike or Adidas? nike
66. Cheetos Or Fritos? fritos!
67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? sunflower seeds!
68. Favorite Taylor Swift song? breathe
69. Ever take dance lessons? yes
70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? haha, in a fantasy world, a musician. celloist, pianist, or trumpet player =]
71. Can you curl your tongue? yes
72. Ever won a spelling bee? not that i can recall
73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy? yes
74. What is your favorite book? scott westerfeld uglies.
75. Do you study better with or without music? with
76. Regularly burn incense? yep
77. Ever been in love? yes
78. Who would you like to see in concert? flyleaf again =]
79. What was the last concert you saw? staind
80. Hot tea or cold tea? oooooooo both!
81. Tea or coffee? tea
82. Favorite type of cookie? chewy chocolate chip!
83. Can you swim well? decent
84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?yeah
85. Are you patient? yeah for the most part
86. DJ or band, at a wedding? band!
87. Ever won a contest? yeah
88. Ever have plastic surgery? no
89. Which are better black or green olives? ooooo green with pimentos!
90. Opinions on sex before marriage? it happens
91. Best room for a fireplace? bedroom please!
92. Do you want to get married? i already am

anoncentral: “An anthropologist proposed a game to children in...

Tue, 29 Jan 2013 11:17:50 -0500

anoncentral:

“An anthropologist proposed a game to children in an African tribe. He put a basket full of fruit near a tree and told the children that whoever got there first won the sweet fruits. When he told them to run, they all took each others hands and ran together, then sat together enjoying their treats.

When he asked them why they had run like that when one could have had all the fruits for himself, they said, ‘UBUNTU, how can one of us be happy if all the other ones are sad?’ (‘UBUNTU’ in the Xhosa culture means: ‘I am because we are.)”

via Occupy Sweden

My dream-

Mon, 28 Jan 2013 12:03:42 -0500

It must have only lasted about 15 minutes as I was in and out of consciousness due to my alarm clock.

The first part of my dream I was in the store… Poinciana Winn-Dixie it seems as I remember the street I left from. I was in the checkout line and after the cashier had finished scanning all of my items I had to take a survey. After that my brother also had to take a survey for his items and he pretty much refused so I told him to have my mom or dad do it for him and they were no where to be found so I began taking it for him. For some reason the computer crashed so I went back to the side of the store to grab about $20 worth of groceries, all of which were sweets. I remember one price for cheesecake was $5.55. The computer kept crashing and now there was a line forming so I put back the items and we drove home.

Later in the dream I was sitting in a bedroom (didn’t look like anyone’s I’ve seen before and there was a little spider, very plump, with five legs. I kept telling someone to squish it until I saw an even bigger spider on the bed, it looked exactly the same as the small one but about the size of my hand. It also had 5 legs. (four on one side and one by itself). I remember the small spider was squished and the big one we chased into hiding behind my entertainment center.

And that was the end.

Pineapple… I remember saying this in the grocery store….

Photo

Mon, 28 Jan 2013 11:24:13 -0500

My dream today-

Thu, 24 Jan 2013 13:17:58 -0500

I dreamed that my dog Vick and my first dog Annie were with me in the room I grew up in. My newest cat Xedo (or a black cat looking older but much like him) was being attacked by Annie, (who is a black golden retriever mix). The Cat was hiding in the closet at the left end of the room, (which didn’t really exist in the old house). The closet itself was walk-in, maybe 8 by 6, with a white vent looking door. In the dream when I found the cat I immediately shut the door, picked up the dog by the tail and SWUNG her around my head and threw her at the wall. The way I found all of this was through me laying in my bed (with my boss none the less) and I saw many blood stains from the cat and my dog Vick, who is a bulldog.

novakian: you’re allowed to contradict yourself you’re allowed to seek attention or approval you’re...

Sun, 20 Jan 2013 13:55:21 -0500

novakian:

you’re allowed to contradict yourself

you’re allowed to seek attention or approval

you’re allowed to complain about something that’s bothering you

you’re allowed to express negative opinions

you’re allowed to be an ass sometimes

you’re allowed to talk about yourself

you’re allowed to fuck up

Two dreams, One night, One Meaning-

Thu, 17 Jan 2013 12:48:05 -0500

In my first dream I was forced to choose between my ex-boyfriend Dustin and my husband. It was instantly clear to me that I chose Dustin. Jovan began arguing about how he had never signed the marriage certificate and that we were never really married. I laid around a new house that looked very similar to Dustin’s but had a staircase which he ascended and descended as I lay on the couch. Later on in the dream we visited my church where we were on stage left watching videos, (that I was not paying attention to) on two television sets set right next to each other. One was stagnant and one was on wheels which we kept wheeling from side to side for others to see off stage. The pastor was in the dream but I didn’t talk to him. I remember waking up as Jovan was leaving for work this morning wanting to go back to sleep to finish the dream as I was having a wonderful time spending time with my ex.

In the second dream, I assume I was with Dustin because I kept talking to and about him. We were in Washington State. and in my dream there was a volcano that erupted and we needed to evacuate. Simultaneously the water plant exploded and it was beginning to flood. The streets we were on were very hilly and we tried to exit to the left but the lava and mud and water were all traveling that way, so we exited to the right to get away from it. I wasn’t driving and I don’t know who was but we were in a silver car… shaped like a Chevy Aveo.

Upon waking I immediately powered up my computer to see what I could decipher from these dreams and everything says the same thing…

I am repeating the same mistakes from the past and suppressing my true emotions about the situation until the are eventually going to explode.

I don’t want that to happen because I’ve always been able to keep this under wraps… Why is it different this time? Why is this so hard?

Things are definitely getting better, why am I still having issues with this?

ahhhh-

Wed, 16 Jan 2013 16:22:39 -0500

*Sigh of relief*

Its very hard to let go of the past. Especially the good times. The people who have influenced you the most and have been there 24/7. There are just some people who you can never forget no matter how hard you try.

I guess what I really need right now is a total life venting moment.

So I’m going to type until my fingers get numb.

Things that are important to me right now:

1. Career- I want to move up. I guess this lesson is patience, persistence, and perfection. I have to be in my position a minimum of 6 months in order to be considered for promotion. Now let me explain my position…. I am a glorified trainer. A team member who is in between management and plain ol’ worker. I still work normal shifts but with higher expectations and daily responsibilities. I am supposed to be able to RUN the kitchen but have “no authority” when it comes to disciplinary actions… in my book that means I’m the snitch. I have to find a way to prioritize what is the most important, and being a manager before, that is the guests…. which I rarely get to talk to. I am trying to sneak my way out onto the floor and little by little I am teaching myself how to become a host, familiarizing myself with prices and procedures out on the dining room floor. I guess I need to make myself a list of things I wish to learn before being considered for promotion, a personal to-do list per say.

2. Housing situation- With 3 pets and 2 humans living in a one bedroom apartment for 3 years, this place is getting a little crowded. Following this post I plan on doing alot of reorganizing and redecorating to aid in this space situation but one thing I want more than anything is to be able to purchase a 3 bedroom, 2 bath + home by June 1st. With everything that has happened the past year, the savings has been depleted and I REALLLLLY need to be able to apply for a loan that will cover 100% of the costs, simply because its pretty unrealistic to save 5k + in 5 months. (thats like all of my income for the next 5 months!!! )

3. Relationship status: OMG after almost 2 years of bitching Jovan finally bought me a ring! I haven’t received it yet but I got to see it yesterday online. Its beautiful and it matches my wedding band. The best part. HE picked it out and HE bought it with his own hard earned money. Its about freaking time. This is the good! Plus he’s beginning to beautify the house again, after all of the fucked up shit he did to wreck it, its slowly but surely coming back together. Now the down side of all of this is after my recent incident, I’m pretty much blocked off from the only friend I feel like I have in this world. Yeah- not cool. And in a relationship you are supposed to be completely and totally open…. I can’t be at this point. I’m still recovering. I feel afraid still. He did alot that hurt me. Being married makes me feel like I am property. Owned… And I don’t need to feel like that. Its supposed to be a wonderful partnership. I shouldn’t have to worry about stepping on his toes but thats all due to the constant “consideration” spiel that we have gone over time and time again. Time is the only thing that can heal this. But in the meantime I need to be able to say when and if I want to cut ties with the past. Its not his responsibility because that can only make things worse.

K, so I am tired of typing for now… My brain hurts…. I definitely need to just throw on some country and clean my day away.

But I’ll leave you with this- Wonderful country song that permeates my thoughts daily.

Craig Campbell – Outta My Head Lyrics

I rode around long enough
With my windows down
Let that breeze roll in, carry your perfume out
I took your number and messages off my phone
Oh but you ain’t gone

Seems like your memory, has got a map of my mind
No matter where I go, you find me every time
Alone or in a crowd, I hear you whisṗering baby
It’s driving me crazy

Chorus:
Wish I could close my eyes and not have to see you smiling
Yeah, yeah, can’t get you out of my head
You’re dancing all around it,
Girl you got me surrounded,
Yeah, yeah, can’t get you out of my head
I got you off these walls
I got you out of my bed
But girl I’m no better off, can’t get you out of my head
Damn you, how I forget
Oh-oh-oh
Yeah wish I could close my eyes and not have to see you smiling
Yeah, yeah, can’t get you out of my head
You’re dancing all around it,
Girl you got me surrounded,
Yeah, yeah, can’t get you out of my head
I got you off these walls
I got you out of my bed
But girl I’m no better off, can’t get you out of my head
You’re no where close to being gone out of my head
M-m-m Outta my head

No you ain’t gone,
No you ain’t gone,
Yeah in my head

I'm losing it without you-

Thu, 10 Jan 2013 12:54:31 -0500

In my dream you kept calling me, from blocked numbers none the less but wouldn’t stop because you needed to hear my voice. Jovan got so angry, he took the phone and would try to speak with you while I tried to cover the fact that it was you, saying things like, “you must have the wrong number” yadayadayada.

I still think about you. I shouldn’t be but I do and maybe my dreams are telling me something.

I don’t know, I’m supposed to be happy. And I am, otherwise I wouldn’t be with him still but my soul is still hungry for you. I miss you.

feminishblog: kajiraraven: mentorsinviolencepreventionucf: Kno...

Fri, 04 Jan 2013 17:29:33 -0500

feminishblog:

kajiraraven:

mentorsinviolencepreventionucf:

Know the warning signs. Don’t wait until it’s too late.

This is very important. Please read this. Often women in abusive relationships do not have the means to escape, it isn’t their fault. Others can help be recognizing domestic violence and helping put a stop to it.

It’s never too late to seek help (if you are safely able to), or help someone else.

It's impossible to forget-

Fri, 04 Jan 2013 17:05:40 -0500

Someone who you care about or have cared about or for in the past. The more you try to forget, the more you end up remembering. Its hard to come to terms with the why, but that’s just the way the universe works.

Everyday I try to forget, even for a moment, my present feelings, desires, the way I care for you. And every moment the universe hits me with some reminder that it’s impossible to forget you.

If I ever wanted to be two places at once more it would be now. But you can’t have your cake and eat it too and I shouldn’t be dabbling in the cookie jar like I am…..

But just the thought, the fantasy, the dream… Everything about this screams I WANT YOU more and more everyday.

This is why I ran away, this is why I can’t stay everyday and reminisce and lay with you and fall into your arms.

I wish I had that chance, I wish I could feel okay with you even without these feelings but they are bubbling up. I am dreaming, fantasizing day and night about your gentle caressing touch and how it would feel to experience your rough side. Just a taste and I am left addicted to you.

I am torn between what it right and what I know is true. We are the definition of tried and true. It will be almost a decade we’ve been there for each other, and I can’t imagine even a minute without you.

Where is the rewind button?? I can’t say that what I have done thus far I have regretted but I only wish we could be as we are. I wish I could be with you.

I miss you. and I want you. Now and for always.

ellen hopkins <3

Thu, 03 Jan 2013 14:43:38 -0500

ellen hopkins <3